When Saigon fell, many refugees from Viet Nam came to Camp Pendleton in California for re-settlement in the United States. I served in a parish in Orange County which was helping the families. I got to know the Ky family which consisted of father, mother, teen age son and a four-year-old girl whom we called Spring, a translation of her name from Vietnamese. Escaping from Viet Nam was harrowing and living on a Marine Base was distressing. As you can imagine it was a very difficult time for Mr. Ky. He had lost his job, didn’t speak English and was constantly worried if he was going to be able to take care of his family. Mrs. Ky had lost her home and clothing and was trying to learn how to cook when she didn’t have access to the ingredients she was accustomed to. The teen-ager wasn’t able to be with his friends and had to figure out a new way of acting in an alien culture. The baby, Spring, on the other hand, seemed happy. She didn’t know about lost jobs or lost homes or lost friends. She only knew she was with her family and that was all she needed to feel everything was okay. The refugees coming to Chicago currently are, no doubt, similarly relying on family to get them through difficult days.
Today’s feast of the Holy Family is a reminder of how central family is to us as human beings. A family which is supportive, reassuring and helpful can launch us into life in a positive direction. A dysfunctional family, on the other hand, ensures that after counselling you, a psychologist is going to be able to take his dream vacation. We should not romanticize family life as some politicians want to do in promoting so-called family values. Every family is different and every family must discover its own way of becoming the place where you belong.
The fact that we are celebrating this day as a commemoration of the Holy Family is a reminder that being a family is not simply a social thing to do, an economic arrangement, a public benefit. Rather, family has a spiritual and religious dimension. Being family, after all, reflects the dynamic life of God that we call Trinity. When we say God is the Trinity we mean that God being God exists in relationship. In a similar way, family relationships overflow into life. But the Godly life in the family is not a given, does not happen automatically. We must work at it. We have to “put on” a life of virtue as St. Paul says in his letter to the Colossians. Since this is New Year’s Eve, a day when it is traditional to make resolutions about the next year, let’s turn to the scriptures for some suggestions on what we might do to improve our family life in 2024. Certainly, you can resolve to eat less and exercise more (at least I can) but there are also some concrete steps we can resolve to make each family a holy family.
First of all, “be thankful.” St. Paul says it three times in the short passage: “sing songs with gratitude.” “Whatever you do given thanks to God the Father.” There is so much we have to be grateful for in our families. Yes, they are not perfect, but give thanks for who they are. There is a Polish custom we practiced in my home growing up of sharing the “oplatki.” This was a small wafer of unleavened bread, something like the communion wafer, that we would pass around the table. Everyone would break off a piece and say what they were giving thanks for as we ended the year. Your family might have a similar custom or might want to establish a new custom. As the year is ending spend some time with your family and give thanks for blessings received – after all, you have these people woven into your life who help to make you who you are.
Second, St. Paul also stresses three times the importance of forgiveness if we are to become a holy family, “bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.” All of which is to say, whenever you have two people rubbing against each other you have the giving and the taking of wounds. Those wounds can sit and fester and drive us apart. OR, we can heed the admonition of the Apostle and be willing to give and receive forgiveness. Forgiveness greases the wheel of family life.
Additionally, St. Paul stresses the importance of “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Was it odd that when I was a kid we would play a game called “Mother, may I.” One of us would be the “mother” and the rest would line up facing her at some distance. The “mother” would pick one of us and say, Johnny, you can take three baby steps. And Johnny would answer, “Mother, may I?” And she would respond, “Yes, you may.” And you would take your three baby steps. BUT, if you starting taking your steps without saying “Mother, may I?” you would have to take three steps backwards. The point of the game was to learn the importance of saying “may I,” or “please” or “would you mind.” While they might seem to be simple courtesies they are in fact the way we demonstrate kindness and gentleness and patience toward one another. How important is that in being family!
St. Paul concludes “over all these put on love.” That is the one word we associate with family – love. As the example of the Holy Family demonstrates, love is more than a feeling, it is a verb, an acting, a doing. As we begin this new year let’s once again resolve to do those things which will make our families, holy families.
